What Not to Say to Someone Suffering
We’ve all been there. You encounter someone who is going through tremendous suffering and you have no idea what to say. You resort to various sayings or pithy statements, hoping they’ll bring some sort of comfort to the one in pain. Here are a few I’m sure we’ve all used or heard…
I believe God will bring healing
Everything happens for a reason
You’re a strong person; I know you’ll get through this
This bad thing happened so that God could __________________
We’re never more at a loss for words when someone we love is hurting and we don’t know how to fix the problem. So instead, we spout out phrases that seem comforting, but in all actuality are nothing more than space fillers. And now in the age of technology, we can find pretty, flower-laden images that put these sayings in beautiful font that we can easily send to those hurting people, simply followed with the praying hands emoji…or the high-five emoji; I think the jury is still out on that one.
As someone who has been on both sides of the fence, let me start with “I see you” and “I get you.” This post is more about education than admonition. I know I’ve said many less-than-comforting things in my past to people suffering and I failed miserably. And I’ve been the recipient of those precious images that should be encouraging but just left me feeling no better than before I saw the picture. What then do we say to those who are hurting?
I went through a three-year ordeal of multiple surgeries, a heart attack, every kind of procedure imaginable, more than a year in the hospital and rehabs, and eventual loss of my right leg above the knee. I had the support group that dreams are made of. I couldn’t have asked for a better team. But from folks on the fringe, I heard it all. And some of it left me ready to meet Jesus to get me out of my misery.
Let me share with you a few pro tips on what to say to someone who is suffering.
Pro tip #1 - Don’t be Pollyanna or Debbie Downer - Often times we want to fix things, so we’ll paint a picture of a rosy outcome when there are no guarantees of what could happen in the specific circumstances. Circumstances can change, but sometimes they don’t and when you are dealing with a chronic issue, it’s important to be a realist, but in an encouraging way. Hence, don’t be a Debbie Downer. My favorite Debbie Downer skit from Saturday Night Live was the trip to Disney World. I loved how the actors couldn’t keep a straight face. But you can see that Debbie has a negative answer for everything. Don’t be like Debbie. Try to be encouraging and supportive in every situation without being too negative. This takes practice. Trust me. I don’t feel like I’m there yet.
Pro tip #2 - Pray for people right on the spot - We are so quick to tell people we’ll be praying for them (see praying emoji above), but do we? One of my pet peeves is posting “Praying” on a social media post and then wondering, “Did they really pray?” I’m very convicted if I tell you I’m praying or post that I’m praying, by golly, I’m gonna pray. When my Mom passed away, as so many wonderful people came through the line to see my Dad, he told me the story of one man, Carl, from our church. Carl stopped right there in the line and prayed for my Dad and me. It made such an impact on my Dad. He told me, “You know, a lot of people say ‘I’m praying for you,’ but to actually pray with you is something that is so special.” Pray with someone in the moment. It means a lot, especially when they have no ability to pray in the midst of their circumstances.
Pro-tip #3 - Stick to Scripture and interpret it correctly - We all can say a lot of things, but nothing speaks truth like Scripture…as long as you interpret it properly. So often people will say, “God will never give you more than you can handle.” That’s not in Scripture. Paul specifically says in 2 Corinthians 1:8, “We don’t want you to be unaware, brothers and sisters, of our affliction that took place in Asia. We were completely overwhelmed—beyond our strength—so that we even despaired of life itself.” We will be afflicted beyond our strength. There are so many Scriptures to comfort the suffering….Psalm 119:76, “May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.” ….John 16:33, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”…Psalm 27:13-14, “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.”…Hebrews 13:5, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” I could continue listing more, as these are just a few. Scripture never returns void. If you have nothing to say, share Scripture. It will do wonders for the weary soul.
Take heart friends, we aren’t perfect and won’t always say the right things. But we can be more thoughtful and intentional about what we do say. And when we still struggle, we can remember the wise scholar, Piglet, as he encountered Pooh having a difficult day…
"Difficult Days are so much easier when you know you've got someone there for you. And I'll always be here for you, Pooh."
And as Pooh sat there, working through in his head his Difficult Day, while the solid, reliable Piglet sat next to him quietly, swinging his little legs…he thought that his best friend had never been more right."